So this was going to be just a few tweets, but figured I’d end up writing a bit too much to post it there. Basically just as 2016 comes to an end, it’s quite often a time when people look back at the year and where they are, taking stock of their life and reviewing what went right and what went wrong, and look forward to the next year and try to resolve to be better. So here’s some of my thoughts.
What Went Wrong:
Best to start with the bad news I always say. So this year I find that I ended in a much more solitary place than last year. My social circle is much smaller (down to 1-2 people at any given time). My family is now much more spread out or distant in our relationships.
Also mentally, I’m more than ever before in a place where I’m just tired of dealing with people. Some of that is due to the declining intelligence level of the world it seems, but mostly due to my own failures in being able to interact well with others. I’m finding that I talk too damn much and give my opinion when it’s not asked for or needed too often. I say or do things that are either a) annoying, b) embarrassing, c) offensive, d) just stupid/wrong, or e) all of the above. One of the best proverbs I’ve heard that I’ve always felt is very true, but found a hard time following is “The foolish man speaks, a wise man listens.” I have gotten into a bad habit of speaking before thinking, of talking when I should just listen, and running my mouth when silence is all that is required.
I’m pretty disappointed in myself that I let Journey Of 1 get off the rails at the end of the year and haven’t yet completed it. I still have the videos shot, I just need to actually get my ass in gear to edit and upload them. But really mars what was a really good and fun project by letting it just die on the vine like that. I will get to them, hopefully this week as things get less hectic and I force myself to get them done.
I have also been very bad about my diet and put on more weight this year. I had every intention and made some effort to get my fitness back on track, but laziness won over and I didn’t do anything I wanted, and now at the end of the year, am fatter and in the worst shape of my life. This is a long time issue for me, as I find it extremely hard to self-motivate when the only person who cares/benefits is myself. If I have someone else I’m doing it for or with, then I can do it no problem, but I’ve gotten extremely good at letting myself down. The thing that’s most frustrating about being heavy is I’m sure it’s a big negative that is unattractive to any potential woman that I might meet. While not saying they’re superficial and only care about looks, but it’s undeniable that at first sight, you do have to be somewhat attracted to a person by their looks, because you don’t yet know their personality or what they are like. So being fat is a huge handicap in the efforts to meet someone, because now you’re asking them to ignore all that and hope your personality is good enough to compensate, something I’m not so certain of.
Lastly, I am extremely upset with myself for not finding a place to live yet. For the past 2 years I’ve sworn that I would be out and living on my own no matter what. And yet, 2017 is about to start and I’m still here. I’ve been talking to a mortgage lender/bank and have applied a couple times for a loan, but have yet to hear back from either of them and the process just drags on, it’s almost as if when I finally got off my ass and did something, the universe kicked the legs out from under me for daring to try.
What Went Right:
The biggest thing I’m proud of (despite it’s current status), is Journey of 1. By doing this series I’ve had one of the funnest years ever, doing many things that were on my bucket list to have done, and being so many interesting places I’ve never been before. It’s really been a great experience for me and something I’m extremely glad to have done. It’s also a bit of a middle finger to any one who refuses to hang out or go do things with me, because I showed that even if I have to go alone, I’m gonna have a great time, and the people who didn’t go or don’t want to do things with me are the ones that miss out on some awesome stuff. Conversely, thank you to the people that enjoyed watching the videos and the people that joined me on some of the videos and got to share in those experiences, it was so awesome to have you along.
Relaunching JmanX.com/JmanX.net. While the past month or so has seen more sporadic updates, generally I was extremely pleased to finally get that site running again. JmanX.com has been around in one form or another since 1999, and was at one point a large player in the online humor & entertainment aggregate site genre, competing back in the day with sites like ebaumsworld. Had I kept it up and online and updated, who knows where things would have led. But even if it’s too late for all that, it’s personally satisfying to have it back and running and a place where I can share the funny and entertaining stuff from the internet, and now in an even easier to run format than ever before.
While I’m upset about how long it took to get going on the mortgages and finding a home, at least I’m finally there, finally doing it. Things are in motion and hopefully it won’t be too much longer before I get approved and can start making a decision on a place to live and get moved out. I’m excited at what’s to come and so excited to finally have a place of my own to call home. I’m also a bit nervous, because whether it’s been family or roommates, I’ve never been completely on my own like that, but it’s something I’ve wanted for forever and I think it will be a great change for me that puts things on track for how I want to be living.
My social life has been pretty lame for the most part, but I’ve found that the people I do talk to, I’m so glad that I have been able to and value those relationships and experiences. While I’m bad at giving advice and often state my opinion too much, I think that looking back at my life, most of them ended with the other people being in a better place afterwards. Through whatever means, whether I was just able to be a crutch to lean on during a hard time, or helping them to better themselves, or just offering as much encouragement as I could, I think that for the most part, people’s lives were better afterwards. We may not speak anymore, and they may not like me, but that’s okay. I always feel my worst failures are when I hurt someone or cause them troubles, but my greatest successes are the successes and happiness of others. So I hope that even if it’s at my own expense, I hope that I can continue to help other people as best I can. Maybe that will be a bit of redemption of my own shortcomings.
Well, here’s the old resolutions part of any new years review. What can I do to right my wrongs, what things can I do to enjoy life more, and how I can contribute to a better society. I think firstly I will do my best to just keep my mouth shut more often. I am done trying to give advice unless it’s specifically asked for, and even then, I will do my best to keep it as a suggestion that comes from someone who is not an expert and do not try to push it on them as something they must follow. I will keep my opinions to myself or in a forum (like this site) where it is not pushed upon anyone to hear about them or care. I want to try and listen more and just be someone people enjoy being around without any judgement or having to worry about having to hear my take on everything.
I’m going to finish the final videos for Journey of 1, and consider going forward if I will continue the series and in what context that will be so if so. I really enjoy doing them, but it’s a big time suck and my current method of doing the editing is not very efficient. Hopefully once I have my own place to live I will be able to make a better situation for that that will make the process go easier.
I also will try to do better on my diet and being fit. We’ll see how this goes. I suspect it will help when I get my own place that I will likely not be able to afford to eat poorly and will eat a lot less just because I won’t be able to afford it. Starvation is a great weight loss tool I hear.
A routine of doing things and getting things done in a more responsible manner I think will help keep the laziness to a minimum. If I can establish routines and plans for making sure I do certain things on a schedule of sorts I think it will help a lot with some of the feelings of being lazy and unproductive.
Final Conclusion (tl:dr):
2016 was not the greatest of years in some aspects, but on the whole, I think it’s been one of the best years for me and I’m glad for how things have turned out. It’s been of a great send off as I feel 2017 will be a year of big changes and challenges going forward, but I think that they will be all for the better.
Time always will tell with these things, but as always, God has been so forgiving and has seen me through some bad times and I’m still here, even when by all rights I shouldn’t be (really, if I got what I deserved, most of you wouldn’t even know me, if you did know me you’d hate me, and I don’t think I’d be a free man if I was still alive). People say to count your blessings, but I don’t think that’s right. I know I’ve been blessed and I don’t wanna know the scorecard, I’m just grateful for the outcomes so far.
Thank you to all my friends and family, thank you to everyone who has supported me this year, thank you to anyone who’s said a kind word and allowed me to be in their lives for even a short while. I appreciate it all and you are the reason I keep going and trying. Thank you, and have a Happy New Year!